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Watching thoughts

Recently I have been aiming to become more aware of my thoughts, the stories I tell myself, how I take myself to emotional highs and lows. Yesterday I tried documenting a process.

Myself and my partner had looked at a new flat the day before. I fell in love with it and was so hopeful that we would it would be offered to us. Yesterday, upon awakening, my partner broke the news that we were not offered this flat. It was offered to someone else. Immediately my mind went into blame. I blamed our financial situation, myself, our lack of sucking up to the person showing us the apartment. I ended with the inevitable questioning of self worth, "I'm not worthy of that apartment. I'm not worthy of a better life".

I was not loving all of myself, and the Universe was showing me this. These blips are not so much a sign that we are off course, but that there's something we need to look at within ourselves. It's often lack of loving ourselves. Here was my version on this day.

My mind took that blame and made them into stories, painting me as the victim of life circumstances. I'm low on money because my parents died and everything that happened after that. I'm slow because I have brain damage. I'm not worthy of better because I haven't made other people's lives better. I have to earn a better life.

After that came fear. I fear going through another winter and not being able to connect with the nature here. In that flat was an amazingly big window facing the north. Perfect for aurora spotting. I wanted that window so badly.

Which brought me to the root. What I really want is to feel more connected to nature. If that is the root, why am I looking at apartments? It brings me closer to the sky, yes, and also away from nature on the ground. Maybe I need both. The core though is wanting to feel connected to nature.

Realising that core, I feel the stories slip away, and the truth come to light. None of this is about the flat, the money, or the business. It's about peace in nature. And therefore peace inside myself.

Noticing that alone brought me the peace I seek. If for a short time. But it is within us.

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